Wednesday, June 4, 2008

My struggle

Make the Lord and His immense love for you constitutive of your personal worth. Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. God’s love for you and His choice of you constitute your worth. Accept that, and let it become the most important thing in your life.

The basis of my personal worth is not my possessions, my talents, not esteem of others, reputation…not kudos of appreciation from my parents and kids, not applause, and everyone telling you how important you are to the place…I stand anchored now in God before whom I stand naked, this God who tells me, “You are my son, my beloved one.”

Our identity rests in God’s relentless tenderness for us revealved in Jesus Christ.

The above quotes are from Manning’s Abba’s Child. I continue to be struck by the book and its impact upon my thoughts right now. I struggle with this particular passage because it forces me to rethink my identity and value. I worry so much about what other people think about me. Words of affirmation are like drugs. They give me a high that carries me until I need my next fix. Recognition of my talents, contributions, and abilities is what I strive after. I give a message on a Sunday morning to my JH students and I immediately look for some sort of applause of what I just did. I thrive off of positive comments from my boss, her boss, and adult volunteers. I become so wrapped up in what others think that I allow my worth to be transferred over to what those around me are saying. Ask me how I feel about myself when I am not receiving affirmation and you will find a dejected, depressed, and wounded individual. Negative feedback and the possibility of someone possibly not liking me absolutely destroys me. I make my decisions in life on what will please others not because I want them to be happy, but because I want them to come back and give me kudos and love in response. The thought of being completely “naked” in front of people and not worrying about their comments (bad or good) absolutely terrifies me. I raise the banner of authenticity and yet hide in the shadows of the constructed self I have made. Honestly the thought of simply anchoring myself to God and His great love for me scares me. My first thought in doing that goes back to what will others think and say about me…their opinions, statements, and feedback mean way too much to me.

God what do I do? I am lost here. I know the path that I must travel on. I know the thing that must happen and become the most important thing in my life. But I am scared to venture down that road. Scared to take the road less traveled. Scared to anchor myself to the ONLY ONE who will never leave or forsake me. Scared to simply rest in the arms of my Savior and trust that it is only His love and opinion that matter in my life. God, it is only your opinion that matters. My identity is found in Your great love and pursuit of me. Help me to believe & trust that…


Bling for the King said...

Landon, found your blog from Danielle's. I loved this perspective (not to give you a compliment though) and I think your heart is so sincere. I think I will read this book just based on the excerpts. Thanks for being real!!